Episode 6 - The Adventures of Rusty Patti: Rusty and Vettey in The Big Easy (Part I)

[Modified from version originally posted on LezBang]
Rusty and the Sidekicks-in-Training mourn the presumed death of their beloved Minnie. Unnerved by the loss, Rusty tries to get some of the Sidekicks-in-Training more involved in the day-to-day operations. And Vettey gets her big chance to strut her Sidekick stuff in her hometown — New Orleans.

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Episode 4 - Rusty Patti & Westie Hunt Beaver

Thanks to the overwhelming response to my suggestion that you help me pick a sidekick, I ended up with a plethora of capable candidates. Gracias. Now It’s time for some serious vetting. Each of the candidates will be given a chance to work with me on a single assignment and then I’ll make my selection based on the following criteria:

• Weapon proficiency
• Ability to think on feet
• Unquestioning devotion
• Communication & banter
• Physical strength
• Endurance
• Costume confidence
• Intangibles

Westie is first up in the Search for Rusty's Sidekick. Here are a few bits from her application:

Look, it's pretty simple why you should choose me

• I am low maintenance.
• I only have one Vagina, so I will not be constantly plagued with thoughts of vaginal satisfaction.
• My hair is short, very much unlike Scorpio, so it will never cloud my field of vision.
• I'm not lazy like Loveshtoned.
• I am handy with tools; however, I have never impaled myself using them like the Busy Beaver.

Here's the setup: Rusty has been listening to the police scanner so she can take Westie to a few crime scenes for practice. She and Westie sneak in to the crime scene and spot the telltale sign of Hell Beaver - a potato peeler.

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Episode 3 - Sing, Sing a Song

[Originally posted on LezBang 1/2008]
Apparently, I need a theme song. Vettey suggested The Pet Shop Boys - Go West but I think it’s a little too earnest for me. I’m leaning towards Billy Joel’s You May Be Right mostly because I don’t think I’ll need to re-write much of the lyrics:

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just might be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

What do you think? Do you have a better suggestion? If you like this one for me, maybe you can help Hell Beaver pick out her theme song. So have fun YouTubing today. I will be spending most of the day getting the first prospective sidekick ready for her assignment - uniform fitting, medical waivers, etc.


Postscript:
Bangers went above and beyond with their suggestions. In fact, there were so many excellent submissions that Mojo suggested a Topless Pie Fight over this decision. We were all heartbroken that our little British friend would be less than helpful, “tonight i am all out of good ideas. I just has a three minute panic because i got a screwy thing stuck in my tummy button.”

Pugs, "Alright, Rusty, how about Jukebox Hero?"
Twisted Elegance, "This is my vote!" (You and the sidekick can thank me later)
Diggercat, What about rancid - time bomb?"
Rachel, YO RUSTY! I did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a wiffle ball bat! I can see it so clearly! We could own the streets with this one!

Even Hell Beaver tried to be helpful and passed along a video she found on YouTube:

Episode 2 - Looking for a Few Evil Minions

[Originally posted on LezBang; 1/2008]
Evil Propaganda Warning:
Rusty Patti Blog hacked by Hell Beaver!

Thanks to Loveshtoned pointing out my habit of leaving DNA behind wherever I go, I am out of the running to be Rusty’s sidekick. Thanks a lot, Love. You leave me no choice but to go over to the dark side. If Rusty is out being a superhero, she’ll need some villains. That’s where Hell Beave comes in. Wearing only her super bra and boy briefs, Hell Beave is out to kick some camo-clad ass.
Beware of Hell Beave’s right boob, Rusty…it shoots glass-shattering lasers that will smash your specs to smithereens and render you blind. The left one delivers fire bombs that will light your hair on fire and send you running for the toilet to douse the flames. Then there’s the blue belly button ray…that does some messed up shit. I have one more secret weapon inside my boy briefs, but that’s gonna be a surprise.

So how ‘bout it, Bangers? Who’s groveling to be Rusty Crusty Patti’s sidekick and who’s gonna kick her ass? Please list your superpowers and let’s get this party started.

Rusty Patti Reseizes her Blog!


Hell Beave threw down the gauntlet resulting in witty repartee between hero and villain:

Rusty: It’s on
Hell Beaver: Bring it.
Rusty: Consider it brought.

The LezBangers were mesmerized by the specter of the two heavy weights going toe to paw.

Vettey, was especially pleased by the potential nudity: “The good thing about this supervillain is that she has to be topless for her powers to work. It's the only way, really, as she is accident prone and wearing something would cause all those superpowers to bounce back and harm her.”

The powers claimed by Hell Beaver gave Westcryer only momentary pause, “Rusty - you may not want me for a sidekick, but I am still going to save a couple cans of WHOOP ASS to open up on Hell Beave as a matter of principle - that whole bellybutton ray thing just skeeves me out.”

Some Bangers, previously committed to Rusty Patti and the Side of Good, wavered. Minnie offered Hell Beaver her snoring as a potential weapon and Pugs expressed an interest in accouter, “What are the perks of joining Team Beaver? I know up front I can't wear a cape if I go play with Rusty.”

Neo went renegade ho, “I owe no allegiance, and will whore my services out to the highest bidder. I think my talents are proven and viable. I'm here; ready to take your calls. And I can sing too.”Mojopo went all terroristy, “Do we get to behead anyone, Beaver? Let's tie up Rusty and make a tape for Al Jazeera.” Image MTV was clearly on the side of good.

Battle lines were drawn. Next step, theme songs at 20 paces.

Episode 1- Looking for a Few Good Bangers

[Originally posted on LezBang, 1-2008]
Hi Bangeroos. How’s your week been? Mine’s been quite eventful.
Apparently a super hero's job is never done. I’ve been choosing taglines, trying to figure out what I need in a sidekick, YouTubing theme songs, and looking for a shirt and accouterments.

Finding clothes has been especially problematic. I thought I'd go into a department store and see what Ken wears. Ken’s wardrobe sucks. I’m serious. His jeans fasten in the back. Did you all know that? I did not. I am sticking to GI Joe fashions from now on. YO Joe. But now the main event. I need a sidekick and I hope you can help.

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After this blog posted on LezBang, Bangers from all over the globe submitted themselves as well as other Bangers as cannon fodder sidekick material. The question/answer session brought up many relevant issues:

Neo wanted to know, "Will the sidekick have pants that button or snap? In the front or the back? This is important."

Rusty: The sidekick outfit snaps in front. No Ken crap. There is also a helmet. No capes under any circumstances.

~~~~~~~~~~

Mojo, had a relevant point, "I see you have been preparing for Armegeddon, and this pleases everyone. Especially me. Are you at all concerned that your sidekick might get Raptured before you stop all of the eventual destruction and mayhem? Make sure you pick a real satanist, 'k? Git er done."

~~~~~~~~~~

LoveShtoned pointed out obvious flaws in some of the submissions, "Beav can make any gadget you want but no doubt she'll screw up on of her fingers in the process, blood everywhere and a DNA lead to follow."

~~~~~~~~~~

Some Bangers (Vettey)offered sexual favors to boost their chances of being chosen
Rusty: "No sex between super heroes and sidekicks. If they have sex then party B is a love interest not a sidekick. (see Lane, Lois)"

~~~~~~~~~

Skeeter G was ready, willing, and able. G even offered to don a cape, "Never fear......Skeeters here! And I'll wear a cape or a helmet."
Rusty: G. NO capes. I'm not kidding. Those things are death traps.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jaclyn's resume was quite impressive. I was especially moved by her candor in admitting, "I’ve done time in a Turkish prison. I thought I should be upfront about this. "

You'll see how I solved the dilemma of winnowing down the field in a future episode.

Rusty Patti – The Reboot

As threatened promised, the Rusty Patti comic is being rebooted. But before I chuck all canon out the window, I’m re-posting the comics as originally posted on LezBang.



Why re-post the originals?



Why not just jump into the reboot since everything we’ve known is about to be booted in the reboot anyway? I’ve had several stories and new characters rattling around in my brain pan for a while but I’m stuck. My hope is that going through the old stuff will help me flesh out the new stories. And though you won’t need read the originals to follow the new stories, some readers might be interested in the progression in style as I learned more about comics and found new software and fonts to abuse incorporate.



Along with the comics, I’ve rescued some of the reader comments from the original blogs. Some of them were just too good to lose into the ether once the site went dark. On the one hand, I’m grateful to the readers for helping move the story along. On the other hand, I let myself get tied to other people’s ideas instead of working harder on my own.



So a look back before we jettison the whole dang thing and start over. We'll start with the blog that introduced Rusty Patti - lesbian action hero to the world and put out a call for help with a tagline.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Rusty Patti - When Mediocre Just Isn't Good Enough.

So, what do you think of the tagline*?

It doesn't set the bar too high and that's important. Under-promise and over-deliver will never get you in trouble. I’m new at this and let's face it I’m getting into the game when Xena and Wonder Woman would think about getting out. And so far no super powers. Of course, you never know what might happen with that (deus ex machine, my friend).

But the tag also makes it clear that help from Rusty Patti is better than doing nothing at all.

If you have a better tag line, please let me know.

In other news, the job description for sidekick is almost finished so you might want to start polishing up your resumes.

And finally, I did get some good news. I inked the deal for my first endorsement.

*When I first posted this on LezBang there was a heated discussion about the crappiness of the tagline. Neo was especially disturbed by the lack of confidence it displayed. LezBangers posted dozens of excellent suggestions including, "Hold my glock while I adjust my tie" (Rach) and "Whoop Ass Included" (Westie).